And that’s OK.
Growing up, I always thought I knew what I wanted to do in life. With a love for writing, I thought it was a simple career path. Go to Uni, get a degree, and the rest will follow.
Except that’s not what I’m passionate about. Ever since I could remember, I wanted to change the world. I knew I wanted to make a difference. But how?
Whenever someone would ask me, “What’s your dream job?” I would answer quickly, “Be a teacher”.
It started with wanting to be a maths teacher, until I realised I wasn’t very good at that. Then English, then history. It didn’t matter what I was going to teach, I just knew I wanted to shape lives in any way possible.
Except somehow I’m now 18 and have found myself writing somewhat ‘meaningless’ articles and trying to make a career out of it. And I can’t help but feel lost.
Because it feels like I’m letting that little girl who wanted to make a difference down. How can you dedicate your life to talking about a sport like it’s the only thing that matters? What about those dreams you once had?
Sometimes I see YouTube videos of people travelling and telling stories, meeting new people and bringing awareness to important causes, and I think to myself, “Yeah, that’s a bit of me.” Yet instead of making a difference, I’m writing about grown men driving around in oddly shaped circles.
Well done Luci.
It becomes this overwhelming feeling when you want to do everything. I want to change the world, I want to spread awareness, I want to share stories that really matter, I want to meet people and learn about different cultures. But I also want to be a journalist, I want to be a presenter, I want to interview incredible people and share their legacies and success, I want to be creative, I want to teach, I want to travel, I want to be a mother. I want it all.
And life feels so short yet so long but it still doesn’t feel possible to have it all. We are always told to stick to one. Do what makes you successful, what brings you money. But I for one just want to do what makes me happy and be hopeful it works out fine.
Although that’s much easier said than done- I’m well aware of that. Being successful is my only goal in life and all I’ve ever cared about, I crave it more than anything. From as long as I can remember being “intelligent” was all that mattered. For a very long time I based my entire self worth on my education (and in some ways still do).
I’m not afraid to admit that the shift from college to university hit my ego hard. I went from being smart to simply average. I started to question everything about myself, because if I’m not the smartest in the room then what am I?
I’m slowly coming to the realisation and accepting the fact that there’s a lot more to me than grades and I haven’t failed in life because I’m yet to ‘change the world’ like I’d once planned. While it’s not the same, I’m happy where I am.
I now wish to inspire a new generation of young girls with ridiculously high dreams like myself. I want them to feel validated in believing that they can achieve anything they set their minds to.
I want to be strong and independent like the inspiring woman who raised me – my mother. I want to be the role models my grandparents have been to me to someone else. Because without them I would have never embarked on such a journey. I grew up surrounded by people with great ambitions and equally great successes. In a way I blame them for having such high expectations of me but also thank them dearly for giving me every chance to flourish.
So yeah, I really don’t know what the hell I want to do with my life. But I’m only 18 and I have years to decide. No matter what I do, I know I’m making myself proud, and that little girl with big dreams is smiling wide knowing she’s done it. And who knows, maybe I can do it all.
Luci.News 
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